Shadow of his Former Self
by invisiblemirage
Summary: "Would you like some eggs?" Tanya asked, holding a plate on a tray. "I made toast too, and coffee, done up in your favorite way." Her voice was gentle. Though she did not know the particulars of the tragedy that had befallen Tony Stark, she wanted to make things as easy on him as she could. "Will you please eat, Mr. Stark? You look like a shadow of your former self." Oneshot.


Daylight slapped Tony in the face. Her moaned and pulled the covers over his head. "Close the curtains, JARVIS," he muttered through a barely open mouth.

"Wasn't JARVIS, Mr. Stark." A curt, female voice answered him. Her heels made a loud clicking sound as she walked over to the other side of Tony's room, wrenching back more curtains. "You need to get up. You've been in bed for a week straight."

Tony groaned loudly. "Get out of here, Tanya. I'm in no mood." He rolled over and pulled the pillow from the other side of the bed to his chest, hugging it the way a child would hug a teddy bear. "I'm your boss, and I'd like you to leave now. That is not an option." he grumbled, his eyes still shut.

Tanya dropped the empty bottles that used to contain various types of alcohol into a plastic bag she had grown accustomed to carrying for just that reason. "Mr. Stark," Tanya sighed, running a hand over her light brown hair, making sure her bun was still in place. "Will you at least let me change the sheets? You've been sleeping on the same ones for three months."

"No." Tony growled. "Go find something else to do."

Tanya knew better to than to reply. She sighed and shook her head. "I'll have your breakfast ready in a bit." The door clicked shut behind her. Tony breathed a sigh of relief and snuggled deeper into the blankets, trying to savor the last bit of grogginess he had and fall back into sleep.

He hurt. Every inch of him hurt, as it had the past three months. His back ached. His heart ached. Even his stomach aced. He found no solace in anything. Nothing could ease his pain.

Tony flipped over onto his back, dragging an arm over his eyes to blot out the sun. He wished Tanya had been considerate enough to close the curtains again. But, no, she had been too busy blathering about what was best for him. She was terrible help. Terrible, at least, compared to his last assistant.

It wasn't that he hated her. She was pretty good at keeping the place clean, and she didn't take his usual crap. She was even good at cooking, which was nice. But Tanya, however nice and all right she was, just wasn't enough.

Tony had been like this for three months. He had been broken. He had once fallen in love with his perfect match: A woman who had been everything to him while enabling him to do everything while she took care of everything else. He had been unable to remain in Stark Tower- which they had referred to as their baby- after she was taken from him. He had moved back to his home. It was a bit more private, a bit more isolated, and sometimes, when the atmosphere was right, he almost thought he could hear her voice.

The thing that destroyed Tony on a daily basis was that he had not been enough. He had not been strong enough. He had not been fast enough. He had not been there when she needed him, and because of him, she was dead.

The memories he had been struggling to suppress came rushing back. All the drinking in the world could not make him forget. Her lifeless, bloody body flashed before his eyes, and he struggled to hold back tears. His eyes stung. Tony could never forgive himself.

He couldn't fall asleep again now, not when her last cries for him to save her were haunting him. He could still hear her, and each cry still stopped his heart. He rolled over and took a picture of them off of his nightstand. It was a candid photo of a quick kiss- his lips plastered on her cheek and her expression surprised and delighted. Tony threw it across the room. It felt like a knife in his already butchered heart.

The glass in the frame broke as it hit the floor, and Tony instantly regretted his decision. He pulled himself from the bed, crossing the floor to retrieve the photograph from the shards of glass. He took it with him to the bed, placing it where the other pillow had been. Closing his eyes, he took the second pillow and pressed it to his face, inhaling slowly. Yes, there it was. A trace of her perfume. God, how he missed her. A hot tear pricked his eyes and rolled down his cheek, dissolving into the pillow. Tony didn't know how much longer he could live like this.

Her cause of death? One of his own inventions. A villain in one of his suits, kidnapping her, taking her for a flight, and dropping her. Her body had hit the ground just before he could catch her. Tony saw that every time he closed his eyes.

He had bawled like a baby at the funeral, the first time he had cried since he was a child. He wanted so badly to restore the twisted shape in the coffin that had once been his love, but no amount of inventions could do so. Alone in the church, he had screamed out in agony against the curse that had befallen him. He wasn't so angry at God- he knew it had not been God's fault. He was screaming in anguish at the amount of self loathing he had felt. "How could I let her die?" he roared into the silence. "I should have died. I should- have-" Tony had never finished his sentence. His words had been choked out by tears.

It was all he could do not to throw himself off of Stark Tower after that. Fury kept him on watch. He was repeatedly visited by Steve, Thor, Natasha, Clint, and Bruce- all who continued to stand by him and help in any way they could. Thor had even hired Tanya, thinking it might help Tony to have another person in the house to take care of things. Thor had been right, but Tony was still too proud to admit it, even though he had managed to thank the Asgardian. Tanya was a blessing, but more often than not, she reminded Tony of what he had lost.

He lay in bed, fighting to stop the memories that plagued him endlessly. The door opened slowly. Tony could smell the scent of freshly scrambled eggs. His stomach gave a slight, reluctant growl.

"Would you like some eggs?" Tanya asked, holding a plate on a tray. "I made toast too, and coffee, done up in your favorite way." Her voice was gentle. Though she did not know the particulars of the tragedy that had befallen Tony Stark, she wanted to make things as easy on him as she could. "Will you please eat, Mr. Stark? You look like a shadow of your former self."

Tony swallowed his pride. She was right. He had lost a huge amount of weight, and since he was never very heavy to begin with, it was starting to become a concern. "Yeah, thank you, Tanya. I suppose I can manage a few bites." He gave her a half hearted smile. She placed the tray on the bed and sat down on the corner by his feet. "Smells delicious." Tony added, trying to play nice with his new assistant. "Did you eat already?" He asked, stuffing a forkful into his mouth.

Tanya nodded. "I did. Thank you for your concern. Oh!" She got up and left quickly, leaving a questioning Tony behind. She re-entered the room, carrying two small vials. "I almost forgot. Do you prefer salt, or pepper?"

The eggs became tasteless. Tony exhaled through his nose, a hand pressed against his mouth, forcing his eyes to shut as tightly as they could. His appetite was gone.

Pepper.

His assistant, his friend, his love.

Pepper.

He dropped the fork as pain washed over him once again, and reached for a bottle of whiskey to drown his sorrows in, sobs wracking his body.

Pepper.

Tony hadn't cried like that since the funeral. Now, he feared he wouldn't be able to stop.

"Tony."

There was a light touch on his arm. He pulled away sharply.

"Tony, wake up. What's wrong?"

Tony opened his eyes to a black room. He still felt a light touch on his arm, and turned his head to find a beautiful blonde woman in bed beside him. Relief flooded him. He sat up straight, and she did as well. "Pepper-" he whispered, his voice breaking mid syllable. "You're not dead."

Pepper slid closer to Tony, letting him wrap his arms around her and kiss her forehead. She kissed his jaw line. "I'm here, babe."

"I just had the most horrible nightmare…"

"It's okay. I promise." She knew. It wasn't the first time Tony had woken up distraught. "Can I do anything?"

Tony shook his head. He opened his arms and held Pepper close. That was all he wanted. "I'm sorry I'm not the man I used to be," he whispered. "New York… nothing's been the same since. You experience things, and then they're over. I can't sleep… when I do… I have nightmares, which you know and have been a victim in, apparently." Tony rubbed his face, trying to clear his mind. He pinched the top of his nose, between his eyes, trying to get a sense of reality. "I just hope I can protect the one thing I can't live without."

"I'm not going anywhere." Pepper promised. She kissed him gently, calming him. "I love you, Tony. It's going to be okay. I'm here with you."

"I know." He kissed her back, holding her tightly as he did.

"Sweet dreams." Pepper grinned, curling back up beneath the blankets.

Tony did the same. He wanted to go back to sleep, but his face was twisted in an uncomfortable grimace. Every time he faded out of consciousness, Pepper's bloody body would reappear before him. He tossed and turned, finally settling in facing away from her. She snuggled up to him, trying to calm him. Tony felt her against him and took a deep breath, finally feeling a bit better. He reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze, suddenly very tired.

Just as he was about to fall into a dreamless sleep, he felt another light tap from Pepper on his arm. Before he could react, there was a loud crash and a scream that made his heart stop beating.

It was Pepper's scream.

Tony shot straight up, fear commanding his face. Pepper was still with him, but they were not alone.

One of Tony's suits had flown through the window and crouched on the bed.

It was staring straight at Pepper.


End file.
